Oh my lovely daughter, I miss you so much. Today is 5 months from the day we had hoped to see you take your first breathe and instead we "ushered" you to the arms of Jesus. I still hate the end result because I had to walk without you. I had to put aside my dreams and hopes of and for you. I have to live everyday watching others with their babies and wondering why. I have to find the way to take the next step, the next breathe, the next decision without you.
I guess I should change the wording from "have to" to "get to." Where I don't find this walk a gift in any way, God tells me that it is for good. Right now does not feel good, but I am trusting that in time I will see the good. I continue to hope that I see some of it in this life, but I have a feeling that in this life, I will just learn how to take the next step and hopefully help and love on others that lose their precious babies due to miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, foster/adoption loss....any of it. We have walked it and where I hate it, I just keep hoping that our life will help others somehow.
You would be smiling, laughing, maybe even rolling over now. I forget the milestones, it has been so long ago.
I have read that the grief gets easier, but never ever goes away. I have lived that, but our life has not been just about losing you...it has been about losing you, our 2 foster boys, 2 other babies, 2 dogs, 4 fish, a truck, hopes, dreams, relationships, and so much more...there is just so many other things that come with the grief that it just feels overwhelming and lonely so often.
I want to know people still think of you, but why would they? They never experienced you and knew you. I long to hear your name on people's lips. I know I will cry, but I want to know you are remembered. I want more than me to remember.
You were special my little girl.
I have thought through this so much and have even wished to go back in time to undue all of this. Not that you are not worth the grief, because you are, but because it hurts so much. I feel so lost. Who am I? What am I to do now? Am I to hope for more children? Is it safe to want more? can I handle more loss? How can I make a difference to others? How can I show that even though I have many questions of God right now, I still LOVE him?
I want to understand God, yet I don't. I would never want to serve a God that is just like me, but to understand would surely bring comfort, or would it?
I am walking into the next phase without you where you have been gone for more time then I was able to experience your movement...then next phase is you being gone longer than you were here...and then your first Heavenly Birthday. I just don't know how I am to live this out. I want to have a birthday party for you every year....but I fear what people will think. I want to celebrate the life of children that never got to take a breathe....how can I do that and honor your memory too. I need help trying to figure out how to do this...
I want to have a great birthday party where maybe people share what they do different since you...what you have encouraged them to do that they wouldn't have before...how their life changed since loving you... Maybe I can even do it where people can bring gifts that we can donate somehow in your memory. I just don't know, but I don't want to forget you...and having a birthday party helps me know that others won't forget you. I know I can't force it on them and from things I have read, people have done something like this for their child and no one comes. That would devastate me too...so what do I do?
I have thought about starting a charity, but just keep thinking maybe instead of starting one, work with one...do donations and such. I have thought about doing crafts and sewing items with other ladies that we can donate. HELP ME, Jesus. I need to do something to love on others that have to walk this. What do you want me to do? How can Madilyne's LIFE make a difference? How can I help save other babies from death? How can I show those that want to abort a precious child like Lena, that they are real, they are lovely and someone wants to love them. How can I show them that even if they abort, they will feel depression and sadness deep in them? They may not want to identify them as alive or have been lead to believe they are just tissue, but having lost 2 at the "tissue" stage, I can tell you that "tissue" is a beautiful living person. God has formed them very uniquely and they are a small baby...if they were able to see them, you see little eyes, little hands, little feet...they ARE a precious child of God.
I love you...forever and always. You will be in our hearts and minds as long as we are breathing.
Momma
Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;
Consecrate
- To declare or set apart as sacred
- To dedicate solemnly to a service or goal.
My little girl and all other children that die before ever being born (and even those before they understand the decision to choose Christ) are set apart as sacred, they have a GOAL...My Madilyne had/has a goal even in her death. AMAZING
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